Oh ye of little faith.

"Why did you doubt?"

I feel like Jesus asks us all that at one point or another. Doubt is an integral part to our lives as fallen humans, so much so that religions are built upon it. I can see why Peter doubted that night on the Sea of Galilee. He was walking on water, defying the very laws of nature itself to take a step of faith. How poor Peter gets a bad rap. At least he had the faith that Jesus could pull him back out, because that's the first thing he cried out when he began to sink.

"Lord! Save me!" (Matthew 14:30)

My doubts are so much shallower than Peter's. If I were to get out of the boat, for instance, I'd probably only sink up to my knees until I hit the ground. Yeah, I had the courage to get out of the boat and try walking on water, but how deep was my faith really? What good would it be for Jesus to save me from knee deep water?

And therein lays my problem. I don't give Jesus enough credit. I don't give Him NEARLY enough of a chance to show His glory. I rob Him of it by only trying to tread upon pond deep water.

I was talking about the World Race to some friends of mine at church, one of which happened to be the Youth Pastor's wife. She's a few breaths older than I am, but I have always valued her insight and wisdom. Interestingly enough, when she found out I had applied to the World Race, she told me about how her sister-in-law's sister was doing the same thing. We got into a very interesting conversation about raising funds, and she told me about how all the stuff I needed to bring (like the backpack, sleeping bag, pillow, tent. . . etc…) cost around $500 alone.

I was shocked. "Are you kidding? Where am I going to get the money to pay for all of that?"

She continued her story about how her sister sister-in-law (that's a fun title) went to a backpacking store to look at all of the stuff she needed to get, and how when she got to talking to the lady that worked at the store, the sister-sister mentioned what she was doing.

Apparently, the worker at the store told her she could borrow all of her supplies for the trip.

I was even more shocked. "WOW. That's amazing. God is so good." Then I huffed, "It must be nice."

Did you catch that? I completely short changed God. I was willing to praise Him for somebody else's experience, and then INSTANTLY doubted that anything like that could ever happen to me. Even as we continued to talk about the trip, my mind was still wondering, "Where am I going to get all this stuff? I may be able to borrow a backpack, or a sleeping bag, but what about the rest of it?"

So when my application had been accepted, one of the first things I looked at was the packing list, and one of the second things I did was put up a link on my Facebook asking if anyone had a backpack I could borrow. No takers, but my aunt did offer to buy me one. I told her I'd have to do some more research on what I want before I let her do that.

Even with the buzz of excitement, I still doubted that I would be able to get my hands on cheap equipment.

Then I came home, and started chatting with my roommates about the day. One of my roommates, (a lovely girl known as Leah, whom I went to Zambia with in 2005) perked up and said, "Hey, I have a backpack you can borrow, from when I went to. . ."

"INDIA!" I shouted. I had forgotten Leah had backpacked around India the year before I met her. YET EVEN THEN, I doubted, thinking, "I'm sure her backpack is nice and all, but I don't think it's what I'm looking for." Sure enough, she trudged upstairs and when she came back down, I felt like my eyes were going to fall right out of their sockets.

She was holding the most gorgeous, navy blue, slightly used, internal frame backpack I had ever seen. "See? I think this might help. And I even have this. . ." for the next fifteen minutes, she proceeded to pull out her supplies. She has a 20 degree thermal sleeping bag, a sleeping pad, an inflatable pillow, and even a HEAD LAMP. A flipping head lamp. One that has red lights too for hiking at night. I threw my arms around her neck, and nearly kissed her.

That's when I heard Jesus say: "Oh ye of little faith. Why did you doubt?" I totally undercut God's provision for me because I didn't think I was worth it. I was wading in the shallow water when all the while He was beckoning me to come tread upon the deep.

I suppose that if we didn't have doubt, we wouldn't know what faith really is. Sometimes, I wonder if it is worth expressing our doubts so we can see His glory shatter them. I so hope I remember this lesson. His deep calls to deep have taken on a whole new meaning to me.

What in the world was I thinking?

At least, that's what I was thinking when I got done filling out my world race application.
I suppose I should back up a bit... in small group we were reading the book "In a pit with a Lion on a Snowy day" (which I recommend every Christian should read) and in my own personal time I've been reading "Four Souls", which is a story about four guys who took their own personal trip around the globe to minister to different places (which I recommend every Christian MISSIONARY should read) . . . (consequently, I'm also reading Brisingr, in case you were wondering.) but I digress..
Anyway, those books seemed to fuel this little fire I've had inside me since I came home from another great (but not glorious) summer in Bolivia. I really feel God has called me to missions, and so I've been putting my little "feelers" out there, attempting to find something to do or somewhere to go. Everything I've looked at has ended up with a resounding door slam and God saying (audible at times) "Wait. Just Wait."
Arrgh. Groan. And then the inevitable sigh as I acquiesce.
However.
The fire flared as I finished reading "In a pit with a Lion," as the last words in the book are: "Maybe its time to start chasing God again. Maybe its time to seize God-ordained opportunities. Maybe its time to unleash the lion chaser within. Chase the lion! Its what you are destined to do."
I kid you not, I literally put the book down, picked up my laptop, and googled "Free Mission Trips."
I know missions cost money, but I don't have any. I just wanted to get out and serve.
One of the links said: "Free World Race", which I thought looked interesting. So I clicked on that. It took me to the World Race website, which I admit, reminded me a little bit of that show, "The Amazing Race" on tv. Turned out, the FREE part of that link had to do with winning a free ticket into the World Race in 2006, so that was over and done with. Yet my interest was already peaked, so I kept looking.
Mission trip? Yes. 11 countries? Wow. 11 months? BIG WOW. Next team was leaving in January, and the application had to be completed by October 15th.
I looked at the date. It was October 14th.
Without thinking at ALL, ashamedly without praying, I completed the application and even paid my $39 application fee, praying it wouldn't be for naught.
So far, it hasn't. I've had a few unusual things happen since then, such as it seems that everyone I know, KNOWS someone who is either ON the World Race currently or someone who has been or going. Even a guy in my small group went last year.
WHAT? How did I miss that little tidbit??
The day after I filled out my application, I kid you not, I got a fortune cookie, and inside the fortune said: "Wish you a good journey." Wow.
I don't believe in coincidences, have I shared that yet?
I even had an especially frustrating moment, where I was sitting in my kitchen, waiting for the World Race crew to call me for my interview, and as the time came and passed without a phone call, I remember crying. I heard God say, "This isn't it." And instead of fighting Him this time, I was like, "Fine Lord. Then what? What would you have me do? I'm ready, I'm willing, I'm able, so what?"
The next day I was graced with two emails from the World Racers, telling me they've scheduled TWO phone calls at different times. I was really confused. "I thought you said this wasn't it?" I asked God. He responded with a feeling of "I just wanted to see if you were willing to give it up if I told you no."
So here I am. I've been accepted to go on the June 2010 World Race. I have no idea what that means yet.
But I'm starting to find out.

Smack Talk

I have found lately that I talk an awful lot.
I was at art night last night with some friends and some new friends, and afterward I realized that I had said a whole lot.
When I'm getting to know people, Christians specifically, I find that I speak in great lengths about grand things. Things that have happened in my life, Christian things specifically. I find I don't mind sharing my past, what I have gone through, the cool things I have done and stuff like that.
I also seem to have no problem spouting "Christian" wisdom, or the equivalent of what could pass as such, and at the very least, my opinion in the form of what's wrong with our world.
I have no problem "sounding" wise or pretending that I'm smarter than I actually am. I have no issue with being passionate about social ills of the world, the United States, and formulating solutions that would CLEARLY fix ALL the problems on the planet.

Why do I do that?
When all is said and done, do I really live up to my smack talk?
Or if you prefer "Christian-ease", do I "Walk The Talk?"
I'm not so sure. I know what I am in my head, I know the sins I still struggle with and I know the "BS" that I spout. Not that I do it on purpose, I fully believe the things that I say and what I am passionate about. But I wonder, is it just me, or does everyone feel the same way? Does everyone come off of a conversation feeling like they've just attempted to "BS" their way into heaven?

The Bible tells us at the end of time, that we will give an account for "EVERY idle word." We will have to explain to God everything we meant when we said what we said. How discomforting.
I understand why God speaks in a still small voice, and when I get so loud I run the risk of drowning Him out. Maybe I should be less concerned with sounding good and just let my actions scream.