The Dichotomy Of Self

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind of activity. I have been told I needed to write more by multiple people, and I always wonder what it is they really want to hear from me.
I've been overwhelmed with so many blessings, while at the same time, I seem to be struggling with the overwhelming of my spirit as well.
I don't know what bodes so ill for me, as I can look at my life now and finally see myself in the mirror, as opposed to the wretched sinner I once was. I can truly like the person I see, and yet, I know the flesh awaits in the corner, ready to pounce.
I believe it all started with the youth camping trip, as it was the first night I got to use the tent my parents bought me. An amazing, expensive tent, with which I find no joy because I feel like my parents purchased it for me out of guilt. . . and so I wonder how many times this next year I will stare at the mustard yellow interior of that ripstop wall and hate myself for manipulating my mom and dad into purchasing this for me.
That, coupled with no sleep on a cold (nay, FREEZING) ground and muffled country music made me realize at 4am, that I will be doing this for 11 MONTHS. I can't sleep for ONE NIGHT, and I want to do this for 11 MONTHS? Falling into temptation, I realize that I can't even muster the self control I pretended to have for so many months.
Going home, looking at other World Racer photos with my new roommate, made me realize I was going to be leaving these new (and amazing) friendships behind.
Are you kidding me, God? I FINALLY feel healthy enough to actually have REAL friendships, based on Your love instead of co-dependency? And I have to leave them all behind for a YEAR?
AND IT'S ALREADY MARCH?
Who are these people that continue to sing MY praises? Don't they know who YOU are?
And today. . . after all the terrible dreams I can't suddenly seem to ignore, I watch as a man crashes on his bike in the middle of a busy intersection. He isn't moving, his head is cut and the parched concrete seems to vomit this man's life blood all over the ground.
And people just drive on by. . .
What is this life You have given me, Lord? Just a year ago, I remember crying out to You, telling you I can't, and You repeating, "I can do all things through Christ." A simple and strange Dichotomy, my life has become. I can see the Spirit move and the Flesh cower. I feel my sinful nature revolt against my soul and the war has become clearer than ever, but NEVER have the stakes seemed so high.
How I revel in my Health but how I long to return to the strange satisfaction of my shame.
Oh my Lord, please remind me that all of my hope is in you. I thirst for you, as the humility I have swallowed is as dry as the sand. Satisfy me, dear Jesus. May you be all that I need. May you shine brighter than I can ever hope to, regardless of how many matches I burn my fingers on.