Monday, April 19, 2010
A little of late
On Facebook. Waiting for someone to say something interesting for me to comment on. But apparently my friends actually have lives, so they're not updating their status as quickly as I'd like.
Maybe I should switch to Twitter.
Anyway.
I looked at my last blog post. . . the one where I freaked out a little, feeling crushed by the weight of the world. As it turned out, I think it was just the weight of my thoughts. Which feels like the world sometimes.
So many cool things have happened lately, and to utilize the word "cool" to describe them really doesn't do them justice. . . but it kind of goes with this "hippy vibe" I've been feeling lately. My days, as packed full as they are, have been quite relaxing. I've been painting a mural at my church, for their new Children's wing.
It's kind of interesting, how things seemed to have turned around so fast for me. One day, I was still kind of lost in a mood of "Pity me and my horrible life" and the next, I feel like I'm looking at the world with brand new eyes.
How could things be any more beautiful than they are now?
I have, quite possibly, the best roommates I could ever hope for. I love them both very much. They are like the family I've always needed, but never really had. Even if April doesn't always wipe up the counter after making her lunch or if Megan leaves her flip flops in the middle of the floor for me to trip on. . . I love that about them. It's quirky and imperfect and I love it. I've never been so happy to take out the trash or clean someone else's dishes before.
And I have more friends than I can count. Ones that actually DO love me and care about my mental health. Friends that give rather than take all the time. Friends that have become that "Healing Ointment" that the bible always mentions. I always wondered what God meant by that when He put it in there. Now I know. I can feel the terrible wounds of the past melting away as the antibiotic of Love is applied to my life. Sure, scars remain, but they aren't as noticeable anymore.
I have been given so much. God has poured out blessing upon blessing upon blessing on my life. So undeserved, but so welcome. I'm no longer concerned about money, because I somehow keep making it, even without a full time job. People have looked into my life and see something they want to stand behind, and so they give to my mission trip. I always wondered what it would be like if I really let Jesus abide in me. I think I'm starting to learn what that finally means. I have nearly nothing, and yet I have everything. This is the contradiction of the gospel, lose the world, and gain your soul.
I'm so glad to finally have found mine. The mirror has never been so inviting before. I have never been able to look at myself and say, "I love that person who is staring back at me." And now, I look at my reflection and say, "I have no idea who you are, but you are lovely."
I like to think that I am seeing Jesus. He looks nothing like me. For that, I am so glad.
I still wonder about the next year, and what it will bring. I am nervous, scared, excited, and torn. I don't want to leave my new loves. I still feel inadequate. I'm kind of terrified of seeing God. He is not a tame lion, after all.
I think that this year to come is something I can say that I've been waiting my whole life for. I've seen it coming, far off in the distance, but I never knew what it was before. Now that I can see that edge of the cliff, and it's time to jump off. My only question is, head first, or feet first?
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Gethsemane
On the eve of Jesus' crucifixion, He went to the garden to pray.
"Gethsemane" literally means, "Oil Press."
It is no irony that I find myself here in this place.
I had an amazing day, and all of a sudden, the pressure set in. I have started to panic.
I began to imagine, if I were to die tomorrow, what would I leave undone? What would I leave unsaid? I'm probably not going to die tomorrow, but I can't tell the future. Who knows?
Jesus did. He knew what He was about to face. He knew all of the things He was about to leave behind. He had clarity of thought about what He had accomplished, because He did everything RIGHT.
And still, he panicked. The thought of the sinless becoming the sin, I believe, would be enough to make anyone panic.
I began to think, as I lay in bed tonight, of all of the things I wish I had said. All of the things I wish I had done. My life is still ahead of me. . . but is it?
So I vow to leave nothing undone, no shred of regret in my life. When I pass on, I refuse to look at my life and say, "I wish I would have. . ." but instead, I want to hear those words: "Well done, good and faithful servant." I want to be able to shout, like Jesus did; "IT IS FINISHED!"
And so I shall start, in no particular order. If I were to die tonight, these are the things that are rattling around in my head, that I want you to know.
Anna: What can I say but, I love you? I am so very grateful to God that He has allowed you in my life. You're still my hero. I can only hope to live up to a mere shadow of the reward that awaits you in heaven.
Jeanette: You really are my Prodigy. I see so much potential in you. I want you to be the leader I can look at and say: "I knew her when."
Abriel: My little sis. I hope that you grow into what I know God has in store for you. Please don't let your life be ruled by the fear of "what if's" but rather let it be ruled by the strength of "Why nots?"
Emily: I don't know why we go through these seasons and cycles. I pray that God heals you in the way I know only He can.
Amber: I've said this before, and I'll say it again. . . you have been that healing ointment that God talks about. Thank you for dressing my wounds.
April: Thank you for the peace of mind. That is worth SO much more than I can afford.
Chris: I don't even know where to start, except I can see how God has somehow turned you into an amazing man apart from Me. For that alone, I would believe in Him.
Nick: I love you so much. I wish we were closer. I'm sorry I missed out on so much of your life. Please know, it wasn't because I didn't love you.
Mom and Dad: I'm sorry things never seemed to work out.
The rest of my Family: I wish I knew how to tell you who I really was. The pressure of being the oldest kid was hard sometimes, but somehow I think it has made me better.
Shannon: I can't say anything but I'm sorry. I wish I knew how to say more.
Karen: I wish we lived closer. You have a beautiful soul, and it is worth so much more than I sometimes feel like you let yourself believe.
Megan: My newest best friend. How could I not say I love you? Thank you for being safe. Thank you for being me.
Jessie Pinder: I love you. You're beautiful and worthy of Love.
Jessica Ferrari: I just love to hug you. I know we're kindred spirits… I just don't know how.
Randall and Arinee: Thanks so much for believing in me when I didn't believe in myself. I owe a lot of my confidence to you.
My Wednesday night Girls: Your prayers and your support have been instrumental in my life. I love you!
Proskyneo: Thank you for being my muse. I've never felt so good to be an artist before.
Gina Woods: Thank you for making this mediocre high school grad feel like I have a Doctorate.
Laura Kroner: I think you may be the closest thing I have as a role model or mentor. I'm so happy for that.
Elena: Forever Friends. What more can I say? I'm sorry I had to hurt you to love you better. Thank you for saying "no."
CK: I miss you much. You still inspire me to be better than I was. I'm grateful for the year we had together. Roomies forever!
World Race "O"mega Squad: I haven't met you yet, and already, I feel so challenged, inspired, loved, and appreciated by you. I am scared out of my mind for next year, but I'm glad that I'll have you all to experience that with. Thank you for everything that I don't even know about yet.
Jesus: Oh my Lord. You have given me all of these people, and so many more. I love and cherish these friendships, and I pray that the truth I have spoken here on the internet lets others know how amazing these people are and how they have been so instrumental in bringing me to where I am today. I'm sorry for the times I've hurt them, and I'm so grateful for the times I've been able to love them. Please, let me remember these people when I'm gone next year, and let them remember me in prayer. I'm going to miss them all so much that it hurts. The reality is setting in, and I'm terrified… but I know that you have not given me a spirit of fear, so let me be strong in you Lord.
Amen.