One act of Love

I was listening to a radio program today on moody radio. The premise was, have you ever had anyone in your life, someone you know or a complete stranger, ever do anything that showed you love in such an amazing way, that it left a lasting impact you still remember to this day?
So as I listened to the program, there was a story about a man, who for whatever reason, was contemplating suicide. He had been diagnosed with brain cancer, and was told he only had a few months to live. Due to his medical bills, he was on the verge of losing his place to live, and was soon going to be homeless, with brain cancer.
He went to church that Wednesday, and after the service went to the chapel for prayer. During that time, he broke down, completely overwhelmed with his situation. After the prayer service, he went to sit in the garden to be by himself.
A stranger walked up to him, and touched him on the shoulder. She told him that she had overheard his prayer, and wanted to let him know that she wanted to help him. She gave him a check and left. The man stuffed the check in his pocket without looking at it. When he got home, he looked at the check, which had been made out for $1500. The amount of money he needed to keep his house was $1100.
Significant? Sure. What was even more interesting, was that in the memo line, the woman had written: LIVE!
Amazing. Somehow God knew what this man needed, and what time he needed it.
So as I drove along, listening to this, and I wondered, where is my check?
How is it, that even in my last blog post, I wrote about how I know that God loves me. How is it, then, that I feel so lonely?
Why am I so dependent on a feeling? What else could God do that he hasn't already done for me? Where is my act of Love?
Why is it that sometimes I go out of my way to forget that Jesus already gave me that one act of love, in his death on the cross.
The irony isn't lost on me.. I know Easters is right around the corner. I know He loves me.
I just want to feel it.

Good for something

It never ceases to amaze me how faithful God is to me.
I don't really have any reason to say such a thing right now. I just wanted to express how much I really do love my God.
I wish that I could understand what He sees in me. He continues to give me many ideas.. and somehow He continues to strengthen me and empower me in ways I can't really explain. Especially because there are times, (like right now, for instance,) that I am so tired I just want to sleep.
Yet there is so much work to do.. so many prayers to pray. So many people to love.
I just screw it up so much.
I am so harsh, so unloving. I hate, I hurt, I get so angry. I wish there was a way to change myself... but I know so well that the only one who can ever really change me is my Jesus... I guess there are just some times I wish I could help him out, maybe because I feel like there is so much work to be done in me.
Philippians 1:6 says For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
I wonder sometimes.. what is that work? He has given me so many dreams, so many ideas.. which one is a good work, and which one is of myself?
Or, possibly, could it be both?
Anna once asked me, "What are you afraid of Kirsten?" (we were having a conversation about a '
story I've been writing for 20 years).
I confessed that I'm a little afraid that I might actually be successful.
She asked me why, and when I had no response, she said, "Are you afraid that God might allow you to be good at something? That it's okay for you to be successful?"
I feel like I've always failed at everything. Is it possible, that Anna is right? That God might actually allow me to be good at something? And is it possible, that the dreams I have, may be that good work after all?
Why is it so hard to hope that what I want to do, may be what God wants me to do? Is it possible that I am good for something?
Is it possible to love someone so much?

Back Burner

So I went to Bolivia this last week. Yes. Again. What can I say, I'm addicted.
Anyway, I was very privileged to go with a very good friend of mine. It was nice to have her there, in more of a leadership position then just a regular team member.

I suppose, I should give you a little background, you see, this friendship of mine has seemed to be more of a struggle than others I have. She's younger than I am, and I have been reminded by other friends that the difference in our age is a major factor. I've decided that I don't really want to listen to that opinion, but time has proved that something, whether it age or what not, has been a major factor in some of the stress.

When I first met this girl, I was raw and sore from the relationships that have left me damaged, so though I thought she was amazing, I decided that it would be better to keep her at an arms length, as an acquaintance rather than a friend. So that's what I did for two years. I pushed her away. It was just easier than trying to maintain another relationship.

Then I went to Bolivia (imagine that) for June and July of 2008, and when I came home, I had a very hard time transitioning back into the real life of the USA. She was the only one who was there for me, who listened to me... etc. I began to feel very convicted of treating her poorly.. because I wasn't giving anything into the relationship, while she was giving plenty.

So I apologized. I asked her for forgiveness, because I had been pushing her away, and she had been nothing but kind to me. She told me that she had noticed but didn't feel slighted.

So I thought things would get better in our friendship. But apparently, I was wrong.
I don't know what happened. I thought maybe that we'd become better friends, not really best friends, but at least a little bit better. And they did, for awhile.. but I came to a conclusion last week while I was in Bolivia with her.

When we're at home, in the states, she seems to be a little distant. Not quite affectionate, a little cutting in her remarks. I'm sure that I'm not the easiest person to get along with, but sometimes I really wonder where she gets the fuel for her fire towards me.

Yet, when we were in Bolivia, she acted like she was my best friend, which I knew wasn't the case, but nevertheless, she was a lot nicer to me then she has been in a long time. Of course, there was one instance where I had introduced her to some of the Bolivians as "mi amiga mejor" which can be translated as "my best friend". My mistake.
She pointed out later, to some of the team members, that "we could never be best friends"... and went on to explain how we had a previous conversation about how we could never be best friends, that it was better for both of us to only be, "good friends" and she made a bunch of excuses, to which some of the team members said they could understand, but some of the others told her she was a jerk, and that was horrible. Meanwhile I just stood there and smiled, pretending that my heart wasn't being ripped out.

I told her later that it really hurt my feelings that she said those things, and she understood that and apologized.. she was just trying to DTR, and in my hurt I mentioned (with a little bit of anger in my voice,) that she made it "perfectly clear that we could never be best friends," (which was wrong of me to say, to attempt to manipulate her in my hurt.. but I don't think so well when I'm emotional.) She stood there, and told me, "I hope that you don't realize it is a worth issue."

How could I not? Even if that is the truth, even if I am somehow WORTHY to be her best friend, how could I FEEL worthy when she says such things about me? Regardless of how much I know, it will never be able to change the way things feel, will it?

Anyway, we were beginning a work project, so we couldn't really continue the conversation. At any rate, I forgave her, because when it comes down to it, it's so easy for me to do. It's easy for me to forgive people... mostly because of what Jesus has done for me, but it's easy to forgive her, because I love her.

So I moved on... and the rest of the week went on without fail. She still treated me well, and I can only hope I did the same. I hope that I act the same regardless of where I am, because I don't want to be a different person. I want to be real, regardless of how stupidly sinful I am.. and the dumb things I do, I want to make sure that I am real. If I have a problem, I would rather be real about it than try to attempt to fake it so you wouldn't know who I am.

We were waiting in the airport to leave, (and I have found that the airport waiting to leave is a HORRIBLE place to bring up ANYTHING if you want to try and have a serious conversation about it. Best to keep airport conversations shallow and relatively meaningless, because you never know when your plane may start boarding), I told her that I felt, at least on this trip, that we were friends again. (even after our little DTR in front of my mural.) I told her what I think the problem is at home. At home, I'm a back burner friend. When we're at home, she doesn't really seem to have time for me, but while we were in Bolivia, with none of her other friends around, she was much kinder and more affectionate to me. I suppose that is to be expected, since I was the closest one there. Yet.. there was a part of me that hoped that maybe out relationship had gotten better. I guess I was wrong.

She wanted to know what to do to fix it, and I told her that it was something she'd have to figure out... I guess since I didn't feel like it was a problem I had, since I just accepted my role in our relationship, if it was something that truly bothered her, then it was something she'd have to figure out. We went back and forth on this for a little bit, and the conversation ended with her saying, "Well it apparently doesn't matter what I do, because I will always be screwed up somehow."
I replied, "Now you're just attempting to manipulate me. . ." and she interrupted, "You tried to manipulate me too, when you were upset."
Touche. I know I am perfectly capable of manipulation, and I regret that.
At that point, our conversation ended abruptly (as conversations in airports do) ours ended because we needed to move to the gate, and I never got the chance to tell her what I really wanted to.
I really wanted to look her in the eyes and say: "Let me get one thing straight. I never said you're screwed up. If I didn't think you were worth being a friend, I would have given up years ago."

I could tell her that now, after we've been back in the states for less than a week, but that would mean having to bring this issue back up, and it appears that she has already forgotten it. How can I tell?
I'm on the back burner again.

God told me something, this Sunday while her and I attended the Ascent. God asked me, very clearly, "How long are you going to let people hurt you?"

I wanted to say, "Never again, Lord." But how realistic is that, exactly? I'm too human to make that sort of promise.

Sometimes I hate how much I love people. Sometimes I hate how little they love me.

Amazing Video

Just a little something I came across on another person's blog as I was researching website design for the new sTREETsLEEPERs website. It's a video by from Sebastian Lange


Flickermood 2.0 from Sebastian Lange on Vimeo.

Please Enjoy! It's a real mind job... especially if you like fonts as I do. :)