Back Burner

So I went to Bolivia this last week. Yes. Again. What can I say, I'm addicted.
Anyway, I was very privileged to go with a very good friend of mine. It was nice to have her there, in more of a leadership position then just a regular team member.

I suppose, I should give you a little background, you see, this friendship of mine has seemed to be more of a struggle than others I have. She's younger than I am, and I have been reminded by other friends that the difference in our age is a major factor. I've decided that I don't really want to listen to that opinion, but time has proved that something, whether it age or what not, has been a major factor in some of the stress.

When I first met this girl, I was raw and sore from the relationships that have left me damaged, so though I thought she was amazing, I decided that it would be better to keep her at an arms length, as an acquaintance rather than a friend. So that's what I did for two years. I pushed her away. It was just easier than trying to maintain another relationship.

Then I went to Bolivia (imagine that) for June and July of 2008, and when I came home, I had a very hard time transitioning back into the real life of the USA. She was the only one who was there for me, who listened to me... etc. I began to feel very convicted of treating her poorly.. because I wasn't giving anything into the relationship, while she was giving plenty.

So I apologized. I asked her for forgiveness, because I had been pushing her away, and she had been nothing but kind to me. She told me that she had noticed but didn't feel slighted.

So I thought things would get better in our friendship. But apparently, I was wrong.
I don't know what happened. I thought maybe that we'd become better friends, not really best friends, but at least a little bit better. And they did, for awhile.. but I came to a conclusion last week while I was in Bolivia with her.

When we're at home, in the states, she seems to be a little distant. Not quite affectionate, a little cutting in her remarks. I'm sure that I'm not the easiest person to get along with, but sometimes I really wonder where she gets the fuel for her fire towards me.

Yet, when we were in Bolivia, she acted like she was my best friend, which I knew wasn't the case, but nevertheless, she was a lot nicer to me then she has been in a long time. Of course, there was one instance where I had introduced her to some of the Bolivians as "mi amiga mejor" which can be translated as "my best friend". My mistake.
She pointed out later, to some of the team members, that "we could never be best friends"... and went on to explain how we had a previous conversation about how we could never be best friends, that it was better for both of us to only be, "good friends" and she made a bunch of excuses, to which some of the team members said they could understand, but some of the others told her she was a jerk, and that was horrible. Meanwhile I just stood there and smiled, pretending that my heart wasn't being ripped out.

I told her later that it really hurt my feelings that she said those things, and she understood that and apologized.. she was just trying to DTR, and in my hurt I mentioned (with a little bit of anger in my voice,) that she made it "perfectly clear that we could never be best friends," (which was wrong of me to say, to attempt to manipulate her in my hurt.. but I don't think so well when I'm emotional.) She stood there, and told me, "I hope that you don't realize it is a worth issue."

How could I not? Even if that is the truth, even if I am somehow WORTHY to be her best friend, how could I FEEL worthy when she says such things about me? Regardless of how much I know, it will never be able to change the way things feel, will it?

Anyway, we were beginning a work project, so we couldn't really continue the conversation. At any rate, I forgave her, because when it comes down to it, it's so easy for me to do. It's easy for me to forgive people... mostly because of what Jesus has done for me, but it's easy to forgive her, because I love her.

So I moved on... and the rest of the week went on without fail. She still treated me well, and I can only hope I did the same. I hope that I act the same regardless of where I am, because I don't want to be a different person. I want to be real, regardless of how stupidly sinful I am.. and the dumb things I do, I want to make sure that I am real. If I have a problem, I would rather be real about it than try to attempt to fake it so you wouldn't know who I am.

We were waiting in the airport to leave, (and I have found that the airport waiting to leave is a HORRIBLE place to bring up ANYTHING if you want to try and have a serious conversation about it. Best to keep airport conversations shallow and relatively meaningless, because you never know when your plane may start boarding), I told her that I felt, at least on this trip, that we were friends again. (even after our little DTR in front of my mural.) I told her what I think the problem is at home. At home, I'm a back burner friend. When we're at home, she doesn't really seem to have time for me, but while we were in Bolivia, with none of her other friends around, she was much kinder and more affectionate to me. I suppose that is to be expected, since I was the closest one there. Yet.. there was a part of me that hoped that maybe out relationship had gotten better. I guess I was wrong.

She wanted to know what to do to fix it, and I told her that it was something she'd have to figure out... I guess since I didn't feel like it was a problem I had, since I just accepted my role in our relationship, if it was something that truly bothered her, then it was something she'd have to figure out. We went back and forth on this for a little bit, and the conversation ended with her saying, "Well it apparently doesn't matter what I do, because I will always be screwed up somehow."
I replied, "Now you're just attempting to manipulate me. . ." and she interrupted, "You tried to manipulate me too, when you were upset."
Touche. I know I am perfectly capable of manipulation, and I regret that.
At that point, our conversation ended abruptly (as conversations in airports do) ours ended because we needed to move to the gate, and I never got the chance to tell her what I really wanted to.
I really wanted to look her in the eyes and say: "Let me get one thing straight. I never said you're screwed up. If I didn't think you were worth being a friend, I would have given up years ago."

I could tell her that now, after we've been back in the states for less than a week, but that would mean having to bring this issue back up, and it appears that she has already forgotten it. How can I tell?
I'm on the back burner again.

God told me something, this Sunday while her and I attended the Ascent. God asked me, very clearly, "How long are you going to let people hurt you?"

I wanted to say, "Never again, Lord." But how realistic is that, exactly? I'm too human to make that sort of promise.

Sometimes I hate how much I love people. Sometimes I hate how little they love me.