The problem

I've identified it.
After years of heartache, I think I've come pretty close to understanding why I fail at so many relationships.
I may have discovered why I feel so attracted to people that do nothing but hurt me, regardless of whether or not they do so purposely.
Now, the question stands.. what am I supposed to do?
How am I supposed to heal when I subconsciously keep falling into the same type of abusive relationships?
How do I avoid situations that only hurt me and make me feel lonely, abandoned, and jealous?
I'm so on the verge.. of just throwing it all in. I don't want to hurt anymore. I'm so tired of loving and hating the same people, over and over again.
I don't know what to do. I have no one who can fix this for me, because it's a problem that no one can fix, really. I'm doomed to repeat history over and over again until somehow I've rediscovered my discarded self.
I don't know how to do that.
All I know, is that I need to set boundaries.. because these people keep hurting me, and I keep letting them. Nothing I do is right, Nothing I say is right.. and that's part of the problem.
Nothing ever was. I was never worth fighting for in the first place. Nothing I ever did was right. It was always more important to have deadened brain cells then to listen to me. It was more important to have what you wanted rather than what I needed. I never grew up because you never grew up. It was so much easier to run away then to deal.
I hate you. I hate you. I hate what you've done to me. You hurt me. I don't care if you were hurt, because you never cared that I was.
So now you have to deal with it yourself. Because you lost me. And you'll never get me back. You can't have me anymore. You can't hurt me anymore. I won't let you. Just keep running away. Run away until you die.
Then you'll see that I was right.
And now, it's still the same. It's all the same. Maybe one day I'll be able to love you again.
But not right now.

When?

When I am going to feel it Lord?
Whatever it is.. .
It has been so long since I've felt important..
even with the things I've been doing, all the work.. I know that somehow I am essential, because I'm being used.
I have worth, but feel worthless.
I'm so tired, so very tired of this.
And I don't want your pity. I just want a change.
I want someone to actually care, not pretend they care. Some people try so hard but miss the point.
I want to feel like I'm awesome for once, instead of hearing about how amazing everyone else is.
I want to be told I am loved instead of always telling people I Love.
But I don't want it said because I'm being pitied, I want it said because it is true.
It is so much easier to hate. And to be angry. And to want to hurt.
Why is it so much harder to fight?
Lord, the people you have around me are a double faced, both a blessing and a curse. They tell others they care and curse me to my face.
I don't want to work anymore. I just want to go home. i dont want to wrestle anymore.. I want you to bless me. I dont know how to hold on anymore. I don't want to face another day. Your people are impotent, Lord. They refuse to listen to You and so your servants suffer. We are stuck in our own feces, feasting on garbage that the devil gives us. We claim to know You but we would probably turn up our noses in disgust if we actually saw You.
How long? how long must I bear this? Why aren't you willing that I be free? I want to hate You, but I think that I just hate Your people instead.
I know You love me. Why isn't that enough? When will that be enough? no one cares no one cares no one cares... why isn't the one Person who cares enough?
I'm so tired of You telling me I can when I feel like I can't.
Why can't You turn off my feelings if they are so wrong? Why?
Or rather, why can't You turn everyone else's on?
I just want to leave. Leave everything behind. Leave all these stupid people behind.
But no matter where I go, I'm sure I'll find more.
And when it is all said and done, I'd end up becoming a pillar of salt.
You don't want to help me, then fine. Don't pretend you care when I know you don't. I would rather you tell me that you hate me to my face then have you pretend you care and allow me to believe a lie.
I just want to sleep. I want to go to bed and wake in heaven, where I will finally understand all this pain that you are putting me through. Somehow I'll be clean.
I must be really dirty, because this baptism really hurts. I don't know how to breathe underwater. You're going to have to be my air.
I can't drink this cup. It's to bitter for me.

Clutch the Sky

So there is a random Monarch Butterfly attached to the ceiling of my screen porch.

He's been there since yesterday afternoon. He's survived the torrential downpour of a Florida thunderstorm and continues to hang upside down, seemingly relaxed. Every now and then he'll gently open his wings and close them again, so I'll see random flashes of orange against the cerulean screened sky. Even as the breeze threatens to violently tear him off the screen, he seems perfectly content to stay there all day.

Earlier today I was outside painting, and I noticed him fluttering about, trying to break through the (invisible to him) barrier that is supposed to keep my pool clear of debris.

He was trying so valiantly to get outside. I suppose I could have gotten my pool net and caught him, but last time I tried that with another butterfly, I horribly tore up his wings and felt so ashamed when I had to let him go outside with tattered wings that barely allowed him to fly.

After all, butterflies don't live very long. A couple weeks at most.

So I have left him to his fate. Clutching the sky. Seemingly content.

I wonder if he realizes, that he's going to die. Surely without some sustenance soon, he'll starve to death. The most interesting thing about this, as that despite his certain doom, he doesn't appear to be complaining.

He's not whining about how unfair all of this is. He's not desperately fluttering about, still trying to find a way out of this hellish invisible banner that is keeping him from what he was meant to do.
To fly.

Instead, he seems to be accepting his fate, and in no small feat, he is still attempting to do what His maker created him to do.
He was made to fly. So he's clutching the sky, with all his might. Fulfilling his purpose as only a butterfly can.
As I wrote that, as if on cue, he flexed his wings again as if to tell me I'm right.

I guess I can learn a lesson from one of God's most beautiful and frail creatures. Even when it seems like I'm being kept from the sky, I'm not going to stop trying to attain it.

I like butterflies.

Panara Woes

So, I'm sitting here at Panera bread (eating a delicious souffle.. shameless plug, I know..) and there is this woman wandering around the establishment talking LOUDLY into her bluetooth earpiece. She's explaining to someone about how, "she's not going anywhere, she just wants a passport." She then proceeds to tell the person on the other end of the phone (and the rest of the Panera bread patrons,) about how she "is a very ambitious woman!" She doesn't need to be going anywhere to have a passport, she just wants to have one, that way if something ever comes up, she'll just be able to go!

I guess I could admire that, what should I call it, foresight? to realize that there COULD be the potential of a trip in the future, so JUST IN CASE, I'll be ready for it.

Interesting. (I won't even go into the rest of her conversation, about why the person she was talking to really hurt her feelings last night...etc.etc. Not that I could, really, because at that point she walked out of the restaurant, because apparently the people outside were better suited to witness that part pf the conversation then us uppity "Panera Bread" types..)
I say interesting, because my first thought was annoyance. I really don't care about your need for a passport. I instantly judged her, thinking she was parading about for attention and status, because CLEARLY if you have a Passport, then you surely are an influential person!

I remember when I got my first passport. I was 12. My dad told me that it was a very important thing. I felt good about myself.

At any rate, someplace in my ponderings, I thought about a quote my friend Anna told me one day. I don't know if she coined this phrase or not, but she said once that the United States would be a very different place if we had more stamps in our passports.

I tend to agree with her.
Please forgive the no-linear train of thought... I have some artwork I need to finish.

Mockingbirds

You ever see Mockingbirds fight?
They used to be the official state bird of Florida... (I heard somewhere they are going to be changing it...) but anyway.
Mockingbirds are feisty creatures, usually when you get too close to their nests, they will dive bomb you and attack you.
Look at this video from youtube:



They aren't afraid of anything. Owls, dogs, cats, especially humans. Natural predators don't even scare them. Come to think of it, I've never run across a cat chowing down on a mockingbird. And I've had plenty of cats in my lifetime to know that they can catch birds really well. They usually deposit them at your doorstep. Yay. Presents.

So driving along today, I witnessed a mockingbird fight. It has got to be one of the most ferocious, yet beautiful things I've ever seen. I mean, you have to admire the tenacity it would take to be unafraid of provoking a predator. When you get two of these little creatures in a territorial struggle, it is going to be pretty fierce.

They fly around each other in a flurry of wings, and the white stripes in their feathers flash about like angry soldiers waving war banners. Their speed an agility is simply amazing to watch.

I don't know why I decided to write about this. I don't have any spiritual implications for this either. You can make it up as you go along.

You're Wrong.

I'm so tired of people who think they know it all. People who think they know all the answers. I'm really kind of irritated by people who aren't ever wrong. Or people who think they've done it all, and if they haven't, they still have a better way of doing it, (whatever it is.) Or even worse. . .I'm REALLY tired of those people who have NEVER been through something like you have, but, Oh wait! They STILL know how to fix your situation, because they have OBVIOUSLY had some EXPERIENCE in their life that will fix YOUR situation.
Thank you so much, for knowing everything, and trying to fix me. Yes. Thank you for knowing it all.



With that said, I realize that I very much could be that person too.