When?

When I am going to feel it Lord?
Whatever it is.. .
It has been so long since I've felt important..
even with the things I've been doing, all the work.. I know that somehow I am essential, because I'm being used.
I have worth, but feel worthless.
I'm so tired, so very tired of this.
And I don't want your pity. I just want a change.
I want someone to actually care, not pretend they care. Some people try so hard but miss the point.
I want to feel like I'm awesome for once, instead of hearing about how amazing everyone else is.
I want to be told I am loved instead of always telling people I Love.
But I don't want it said because I'm being pitied, I want it said because it is true.
It is so much easier to hate. And to be angry. And to want to hurt.
Why is it so much harder to fight?
Lord, the people you have around me are a double faced, both a blessing and a curse. They tell others they care and curse me to my face.
I don't want to work anymore. I just want to go home. i dont want to wrestle anymore.. I want you to bless me. I dont know how to hold on anymore. I don't want to face another day. Your people are impotent, Lord. They refuse to listen to You and so your servants suffer. We are stuck in our own feces, feasting on garbage that the devil gives us. We claim to know You but we would probably turn up our noses in disgust if we actually saw You.
How long? how long must I bear this? Why aren't you willing that I be free? I want to hate You, but I think that I just hate Your people instead.
I know You love me. Why isn't that enough? When will that be enough? no one cares no one cares no one cares... why isn't the one Person who cares enough?
I'm so tired of You telling me I can when I feel like I can't.
Why can't You turn off my feelings if they are so wrong? Why?
Or rather, why can't You turn everyone else's on?
I just want to leave. Leave everything behind. Leave all these stupid people behind.
But no matter where I go, I'm sure I'll find more.
And when it is all said and done, I'd end up becoming a pillar of salt.
You don't want to help me, then fine. Don't pretend you care when I know you don't. I would rather you tell me that you hate me to my face then have you pretend you care and allow me to believe a lie.
I just want to sleep. I want to go to bed and wake in heaven, where I will finally understand all this pain that you are putting me through. Somehow I'll be clean.
I must be really dirty, because this baptism really hurts. I don't know how to breathe underwater. You're going to have to be my air.
I can't drink this cup. It's to bitter for me.