Yikes

It is amazing at how quickly the panic sets in... it seems just yesterday, (oh wait, it was) when I was writing about how everything is starting to make sense, and now, I guess, it is only natural for the overwhelming feelings of panic to flood in.

It isn't like I didn't see this coming. It's just that I started thinking about it on the way home from work today. I suppose thinking is what the problem really is, because I don't worry if I don't think.

But then, while I was driving home, something made me realize that I'd probably only be doing this for two or three more weeks. And after that, I don't know where I'll be driving. It's possible that I won't have my own "home" to go to.

Thoughts of the verse, Matthew 8:19 and 20, when a teacher of the law came to Jesus and said, "Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go."
Jesus replied, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head."

"No place to lay his head."
The cost of following Jesus. Is this the true cost?
I started thinking about what it would be like to live out of my car. Having to get a P.O. box because I wouldn't have a real mailbox. Having to take showers at the four seasons locker room because I don't have my own shower. I wondered what it would be like if a cop woke me up in the middle of the night because I was sleeping in my driver's seat in a parking lot somewhere.

That's when I started to panic. It's not that I don't think I couldn't do it. Millions of people sleep in a cardboard box at night. At least I have a car.

I am able to make plans with the rest of them. But then I wonder how my plans tie in to God's will. I tell myself, "He wouldn't make me do that. He wouldn't make me live on the street."
And I wonder, why wouldn't He? He could do whatever He darn well pleases.
And I am slowly learning to be ok with that. I think that might be one of the other things that scares me. How easy it is for me to simply accept his will, or at least what I attempt to pass off as his will.