To Live or Die

I now know why God asks us to "Live" for him. Because it is the harder option.
All of us have that question posed to us, by Paul. "For me, To Live is Christ, and to Die is Gain."
If I live, then I must live in Christ, and portray His life here on this broken earth as His ambassadors to the Kingdom of Heaven.
If I die, I get to go to that Kingdom.
Being an ambassador is very hard.
Living in this place is very difficult.
I used to wonder why Christ struggled with death, in the garden. After all, He was perfect. Dying was his sure fire ticket into heaven.
It was not dying that made His sweat drops of blood, rather, it was the difficulty of "living" our sins for us. Living was the difficulty for Christ, and now that we are in Him, we too, have that difficulty.
It is hard for us to go on living, imagining that nobody loves you, or will EVER love you.
It is hard to go on living, thinking you have been forgotten.
It is so difficult to live, knowing that you have been abandoned, and may possibly have to be abandoned again in the future.
All for His glory. All for His will.
We live to die. Die to ourselves.
Do you know how hard that is? Have you tried to Live Death recently?
I sometimes wonder if I feel even a fraction of the struggle Christ had in that Garden. If my streaming tears, jewels that will never be set in gold, could ever compare to the tears that He cried.
My blood, that sits so safely in my arteries and veins, will never know the pressure that forces it through the capillaries of my skin.
Yet He keeps calling. He keeps asking me to die. A little bit at a time.
Do this. Give up that. Sell this. Say that. Die here. Die there. And here.
And here.
Die now.
It hurts to die. At least, when you're still living.
Leaving this world will be so easy, but then again, that's the point, isn't it?
And even now, He calls me. He calls me to get up and keep pressing on.
Sometimes, I hate Him for that. But He loves me just the same, and I guess, that is what keeps me moving forward, is the promise that someday, it will all be made new.
So here I go again, to live another day dying.
One day, I won't have to live anymore.