Where are you going with this?

Well I've probably already told you where I'm going. . . I'm going to Ireland, Israel, Egypt, Ukraine. . .

Oh wait, That's not what you meant.

It has only been about two months since I've started this "World Race" thing. . .and already the doubts are setting in. The worst part, I don't even think they're my doubts. It started with a conversation last night with the Youth Pastor at my church. Basically, he asked me where I'm going with this whole "World Race" trip. He has a legitimate claim to ask those things, too, because he's the pastor that oversees the missions funds at my church. I am guessing, he had to ask me those hard questions to ensure my church wouldn't be "wasting God's Money" (not his words, mine) if they decided to support me on the Race. Then it ended with a conversation with one of my roommates, when she said, "To be honest, I think you're going on this trip for yourself. I am certain that God will use it to change your life though."

So why can't I get past the whole, "You're wasting money, you're doing this for yourself part?"

I was perfectly fine when no one questioned me. I had no doubts. And now, when confronted by people I hold in high regard, I am suddenly asking questions of myself.

Such as, "Is this a responsible use of my donor's money? Is this a responsible use of MY money? Am I going on this trip because I just want a 'vacation'? Am I going on this trip because I have NO IDEA WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE and so I'll just put the future off for a little bit while I think about it? Am I really just doing this for ME, and not for God? I've already admitted that I didn't pray about this decision when I filled out the application, so will I be reaping the benefits of what I sow by not listening to God's will? What are the chances that I will look back on month 11 and say, 'What a complete waste of a year'?"

And other questions like that. They are swirling around in my mind like a tempest, slowly growing louder, threatening to drown out all the confidence I had in myself to live up to God's potential. Maybe I should just quit now, while I, (and my potential donors) still have money in their pockets during this economic recession.

After all this happened, I was driving to Boynton to help a friend bake cookies so she can raise money for HER mission trip. I believe in her. I wondered if anyone would do the same thing for me. I wondered if anyone would believe in me.

Then a song came on the radio. It's a song that I've already claimed as my "World Race" theme song. Here are the lyrics:

Lord I want to feel your heart
and see the world through your eyes
I want to be your hands and feet
I want to live a life that leads

ready yourselves
ready yourselves
Let us shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night
ready yourselves
ready yourselves
May the powers of darkness tremble as our praises rise
Until the whole world hears Lord we are calling out
Lifting up Your name for all to hear the sound
Like voices in the wilderness we're crying out
as the day draws near
we'll sing until the whole world hears

Lord let your sleeping giant arise
Catch the demons by surprise
Holy nation sanctified
Let this be our battle cry

we'll sing until the whole world hears
we'll sing until the whole world hears

Want to be your hands and feet
Want to be a life that leads
To see you set the captive free
Until the whole world hears
and I pray that they will see more of you and less of me
Lord I want my life to be the song You sing
Until the whole world hears Lord we are calling out
Lifting your name up for all to hear the sound
Like voices in the wilderness we're crying out
as the day draws near
we'll sing until the whole world hears
we'll sing until the whole world hears
we'll sing until the whole world hears
we'll sing until the whole world hears
we'll sing until the whole world hears
we'll sing until the whole world hears

During that song, tears streamed down my face, yet they were not tears of defeat. They were tears of empowerment. Who cares if people doubt me? Who am I to I doubt myself? There is a world out there that doesn't know You, that doesn't understand how love can somehow overcome pain and poverty. There is a world who is dying to hear some good news. DYING.

Who believes in me? God believes in me. I don't know how, I don't know why. He is where my confidence lies. He is bigger than money or doubt, recessions or fear. He is bigger than me. He's bigger than my roommate. He's bigger than my youth pastor.

And He is with me.

I will fight this thing out, and even if it turns out that this was not His will for me at this time in my life, for much like Jacob in the desert, I will know that I have wrestled men with God, and I will overcome, because I'm not about to let Him go until he blesses me.

Why everyone shouldn’t go to heaven.

This Blog post will make you angry.

I was standing in a stadium, singing at the top of my lungs. Some of my closest friends were with me, and we were all enjoying a concert with overtly "Christian" music. Me and my friends were dancing, shouting, having a glorious time, since we had just worked six hours and were enjoying the fruits of our labor. The free concert wasn't quite as good as last years, (how can you top a Family Force Five, Relient K and Toby Mac Concert? The answer is, you can't.) However, there were spurts of greatness, such as watching the three uber-talented Barlow Girl Sisters tear up their instruments, or feeling my vocal chords rip as I sang Casting Crown's "Until the whole world hears" as loud as I could, regardless of who's ears I may have offended.

Jeanette nudged me and tilted her chin towards my right. "Talk about a lousy date." I looked over, and there sat a young girl, around 23ish, holding her cell phone in a vice grip. Her brow was furrowed and her arms crossed, and she was tapping her foot impatiently. Her body language was that of a person who "Had better things to do."

"She's not having fun, is she?" Jeanette said.

"Hmm." I thought. Consequently, I looked behind me, remembering something I had saw earlier. A man sat about four rows behind us with a scowl so cold it could bore a hole in an iceberg. Bordering on a sneer, he sat there defiantly, looking like someone had handcuffed him to an electric chair.

"Neither is that guy," I mentioned. "He looks miserable... " and that's when it hit me.

"Jeanette. This is why everyone shouldn't go to heaven." I began to explain my theory, or attempted to shout it over the music.

One of the biggest arguments against God's existence is, "How can God really be all loving and still allow people to go to hell?"

One of the rebuttals I always used was, "Why would God, who is all loving, FORCE a person, who wanted NOTHING to do with Him on earth, to HEAVEN, a place where God's will is ETERNALLY done?" The point is, these people, who were probably dragged to this concert by a believing boyfriend or someone else, are miserable. They didn't want to be there. The rest of the people there were worshipping God with their voices, lifting him up in song, enjoying being in the presence of His Holy Spirit and other believers who are considered "family."

If these people were this miserable here, how much more miserable would they be in heaven? Even if heaven is the better alternative?

Now don't get me wrong. I do NOT want anyone to go to hell. I would PREFER if we all were like minded and worshipped God, and I know for a FACT that is God's point of view. 2 Peter 3:9 says: "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." But the reality is, there are people who don't want anything to do with God. It's mere fact. So why would God give someone free will, to allow them to do WHATEVER they want to in this life, only to FORCE them to obey and worship Him in the next?

I don't think He would. He loves us perfectly, and therefore being the gentlemen that He is, would rather respect our wishes to want nothing to do with Him. He's not going to force Himself on anyone. And if He did, what kind of a God would He be? Who wants to worship a God who engages in a form of spiritual rape? I wouldn't want to worship that type of Deity.

And I bet you wouldn't either.

The Sin of Satan

One of the best things about reading my bible is that the more I do it, the more things seem to leap off the page right into my brain. Now, this isn't an everyday occurrence, I'm quite ashamed to admit that I'm not a frequent reader. So please don't think that I'm attempting to prove I'm "Holier than Thou". . . rather, I read something today that I would really like to share.

Going through the first chapter of 1 Corinthians, I came to this little verse that says: "For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of god. (Verse 18)

Then I read a little further and verse 21 says: "For since, in the wisdom of God, the world through wisdom did not know God, it pleased God through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe" (emphasis added)

And THEN verse 27-29: "But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things that are mighty; and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, that no flesh should glory in His presence."

Can I rewrite that, the way I understood it? (Bear with me. My thoughts will be in parenthesis)

Verse 21: For since, in the wisdom of God, the world through wisdom (science, philosophy, post-modern thought etc,) did not know God, it pleased God through the foolishness of the message preached (that being, the last shall be first, whomever wants to be greatest should be least… etc.) to save those who believe"

And Verses 27-29: "But God has chosen the foolish things of the world (High school drop-outs) to put to shame the wise, (those with Doctorates) and God has chosen the weak things of the world (sick and hurting) to put to shame the things that are mighty (Olympian athletes); and the base(normal, insignificant) things of the world and the things which are despised (people you hate, or the people you wouldn't have picked for your team in P.E.) God has chosen, and the things which are not, (the "things which are not" can be anything, like say, someone who can't talk because they are mute. Technically, their "Voice" is "Not" )to bring to nothing the things that are, (people who CAN speak would find themselves speechless if that mute person "Suddenly" began to speak) that no flesh (human) should glory in His (God's) presence."

That last verse, Verse 29, is what really struck me. I think all of us humans, especially Christians, struggle with the idea of Sin. What is it, exactly? We know that Sin is bad. We know that Sin is something we shouldn't do. We know that Sin separates us from God.

But Why?

Why is God so upset about sin in the first place? Is it really that bad to tell a little white lie? Is it so wrong to sleep with someone if I love them? It's my body anyway, why shouldn't I be able to choose whether or not I want to keep my baby? And for goodness sake, how dare you persecute me because I happen to like the same sex!

These things seem rational to us. Why is that Killjoy God so concerned about it? Why is it SO important for us to follow HIS plan if we want to be saved from Hell?

It's because of Satan.

Now, I'm not giving Satan ALL the power here, and by NO MEANS do I claim that the "Devil made me do it" argument is even liable. As far as I know, the devil can't MAKE you do anything, rather, he can seductively suggest which option to choose, and when we choose poorly, well, that is of our own decision. So when I say that this issue is because of Satan, I only mean to say that the reason we even have sin in the first place is because of Satan. Sure, Adam and Eve (unless you're an evolutionist) sinned in the garden of Eden when they chose to eat from the tree that God told them not to eat of. But wasn't Satan there? In the guise of a serpent? Suggesting that they might become like God if they eat the fruit? Wasn't the whole reason that Satan was trying to subjugate God's plan because HE had already sinned and was cast from heaven?

So what was Satan's Sin?

Pride. Satan had become too proud. Satan began to look at himself and his beauty and glory, and decided that he too, should be worshiped like God. I don't think that Satan really wanted to overthrow God as King (at least in the beginning,) rather, Satan merely wanted worshippers of his own, because he felt he was entitled to such. So God did the only thing God could have done. God stripped Satan of his glory by casting him down. After all, how do you deal with pride except by taking away EVERYTHING that makes one proud? If you are proud of your healthy body, can't it be maimed with cancer? If you are proud of your superior intellect, can't it be brought to shame with dementia?

So herein lays the significance of my musings. Sin is Pride. Pride is Sin. They cannot be separated from each other. They CAN be used as synonyms when referring to that which separates us from God. God's glory is HIS ALONE. Whether Satan wanted to share it or steal it, makes no difference. Satan wanted Glory, and that is not okay. Enter Adam and Eve. What did Satan tell them? Genesis 1 verse 5 says that Satan told them: "For God knows that in the day you eat of it (the fruit) your eyes will be opened, and you will be LIKE GOD, knowing good and evil."

So Eve took the fruit and she ate it in her pride, that being Satan's pride, thinking she might become like God. To Glory in her flesh. And what happens? As soon they eat, they feel ASHAMED! The opposite of PRIDE is SHAME! God immediately stripped Adam and Eve of the pride they had in their flesh by making them feel ashamed because they were naked.

And so on through the Bible. It was Pride that made Cain kill his Brother Abel, because God chose Abel's sacrifice as a more pleasing sacrifice. There you have murder. David took another man's wife, because as King, in his PRIDE he felt he had the right to do so. Adultery. Joseph's brothers sold him into slavery because their PRIDE couldn't see the truth in his dreams. Pick a Sin. I guarantee that you can trace it back to pride.

We lie because the truth in a situation may make us look bad. We engage in premarital sex because we feel we should have the right to express our love in whatever way we feel is correct. We kill our babies because, we're too proud to admit we made a poor decision and so, it is better to be "rid" of the consequences then to deal with them. And of course, how dare you tell someone homosexuality is wrong, regardless of how even the laws of nature, (two boys can't reproduce offspring, regardless of science, the very idea of survival of the fittest contradicts homosexuality) stand against it.

So what does that tell us? We have bought into the "Sin of Satan," that being pride. The bible goes so far to tell us, that we who sin are of "Our Father" the devil, (1 John 3.. just read the whole thing), because we have partaken of HIS sin, the sin of pride. I'm sure, that if Satan had sinned in some other way then we would have also partaken in that other sin as well. (I can't even describe that thought to you, because Satan's only sin is pride, and therefore all of our sin is a derivative of pride, so I can't even think of another way to sin.. For instance, if Satan had sinned by BLARTHKAB (a made up word) then all of our sin would be a derivative of BLARTHKAB also. . .does that make sense?) It is our pride that keeps us from God, because we say that OUR way is better than His, and OUR wants are greater than His wants. For that, God sees us, as we sin, as terrible as Satan, and therefore, those who do NOT submit themselves to God's supreme Lordship are PUNISHED the same way that Satan will be punished. Matthew 25:41 says: "Depart from me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the DEVIL AND HIS ANGELS."

Humans were NEVER supposed to be punished, we were supposed to share in the eternity of God's glory and goodness, but because we BOUGHT INTO the sin of Satan, we have also bought into his punishment. Those who do not choose God's way of forgiveness, that being the death of Jesus on the cross, have counted themselves as TOO PROUD to have to "Believe in such foolishness" (1 Corinthians 1:18.. see above) and therefore have condemned themselves because they chose to rather "Glory in their flesh" (1 Corinthians 1:29) much the same way Satan gloried in his.

Of course, don't take my word for it. By all means please read those verses in their complete context and come to your own conclusion. I just wanted to share mine.

What it takes to lead

I have a friend. Her name is Jeanette. She just recently graduated from college last year from Palm Beach Atlantic University in West Palm. I've known her for about 4 years now (wow, has it been that long??) and I met her because we both work for the same company.

Anyway, we've been pretty decent work friends for these past four years. I think she's a pretty cool person, and I've always wanted to get to know her better, but because she's been so busy with College, RA-ing, work, and other. . .It has been difficult to get to know her better.

And then she graduated. And then work slowed down. So we've gotten to hang out a little bit more, and because of that I've noticed a trend.

She's a great leader. A fantastic leader. People immediately pay attention to her when she speaks. She can light up a room with her contagious laughter. She has SO MANY friends from PBA that I've lost count. She says "BONFIRE FRIDAY" and people jump, with lighter fluid and fire extinguishers in hand. It has been really impressive to watch.

The most interesting encounter happened the other day as I asked her to help me raise money for the World Race. She said yes. And I asked her if she thought her friends would be willing to help too. She said "Totally!" with such enthusiasm that it really surprised me. "I don't have any money Kirsten, but I'm TOTALLY willing to help!"

"That's so cool Jeanette," I remember saying. And I mean it. It's so cool that she's willing to help me. I mean, we're friends and all, but I didn't think that we were good enough friends to merit such enthusiasm.

That's when I started to think about it. . . Jeanette is a great leader because she's willing to follow.

Look at all the references to leadership in modern culture, and you will usually find something along the lines of how, "A Leader should be willing to take charge, to step up and command attention." But if you look at the Bible, it says the exact opposite. All of the great leaders in the Bible were considered great because they were willing to follow God's command. Jesus was the ultimate example of that. He said, "I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you," (John 13:15) RIGHT after He got done washing the disciple's feet. He set the ultimate example of what a true leader is, and because none of us can ever be greater than our Master, we can only hope to follow close enough in His footsteps that we can point others in that right direction. Our lives are supposed to point to our Leader, Christ, the firstborn of God and firstborn from the dead. We are to follow Him, and in turn, Lead by example so that others may follow us.

Jeanette was completely willing to put her agenda aside to "follow" me, by helping me raise funds. Her friends will do the same, putting aside their agendas to "follow" her. It's like we're playing one big game of "Follow the Leader," where our Leader is Jesus.

I am humbled that Jeanette would be willing to help me, like I should deserve such favor. I can only pray that I can learn from her example.

"I found an alligator on the side of the road and I took it home and fed it to my dog. . ." (That was for you jetty. J )

The Cost of Priceless

I've been very busy lately. Which is a good thing. I've been so blessed by God recently, and I know I'm on this spiritual high that won't seem to quit. Every time I get the chance to use my talents for the Glory of God's kingdom, it sends supernatural jolts through my system that ignites that fire within. Which, I know you'd understand this, is why I want to use them more.

I realized though, that there is a wrong way to utilize your talents for God, and that is, using them out of His timing. A little while ago, when I first got into doing paintings on stage, I remembered trying to "push" myself onto other people. I tried to use my talents to make money, and regardless of whatever spin I put on it, the efforts seemed doomed to fail. People keep telling me that I'm worth money, that my talents aren't to be taken lightly. Although I struggled with that at first, I am learning to see the value of what God has given me, and so I don't want to sell myself short.

However, I don't want to sell out either. Attempting to prostitute my talent away is only going to lead to it being taken away from me. Yes, I shouldn't just "give" my art away. Yes, my time and my talents are "worth" something. Yet, I can't help but feel bad when someone asks me "How much do you want for your paintings?" and I squirm on the inside because although I know I am worth something, I can't bring myself to ask that of other people. Maybe it's because I know that people can never pay me the "worth" of what my God has given me.

That old verse, "Freely you have received, so freely give" (Matthew 10:8) continues to run through my mind. My talent, painting to the images God gives me, because of His Spirit who lives inside me, because His Son who died to give me that Spirit, tell me, how can one put a price tag on that?

That which is priceless, should be free.

So when I finally came to that conclusion, I realized that I couldn't charge for a ministry. I SHOULDN'T charge for a ministry. I was standing there in a Night of Worship, seeing flashes of God's Glory, and I felt so compelled to paint. Yet there I stood, in the crowd, because that is where God met me. At the end of the service, I met with the Worship Pastor, and I told him that I wanted to paint at the next worship night, free of charge. He smiled and assured me that I could. I have yet to do so, but I truly believe it was that moment, where I was willing to submit myself and my talents to God's use, for FREE, was where God began to bless me.

Since that moment, I've had people call me to come and paint for them, instead of the other way around. First stop was Palm Beach Atlantic, Night with the artists. What an amazing opportunity it was, to both share my heart and to minister to people, as I really do love those college kids. They make me feel super young.

Because of that venue, I actually made another contact with an amazing woman of God known as Cindy Stewart. Turns out, she was looking for a Speed Painter to come and minister at the Women on Fire conference at Lakeview Church in Tampa. A friend of hers, Julie Hendricksen, (whose daughter, Jenny, I went to Bolivia with last March) saw me at the PBA event and mentioned me to Cindy. Wow. With God as my Marketing Manager, how can I go wrong?

The conference was an amazing spirit filled time of worship and refueling. Cindy and everyone involved were so gracious to me and bent over backward to bless me. When I was packing my things up to leave, Cindy told me, "I'll be giving your name out to everyone I know." I can only imagine what that means.

This month, I have at least two more opportunities to share my talent with the community around my house. I keep making contacts right and left, of people who have either heard of me, have a friend who knows me, or even people who have "Googled" my name. As a result, the money I owe for my latest mission trip, the World Race, is quickly being diminished. How amazing is that.
If God keeps giving me opportunities, I will keep painting. Even if He decides to stop allowing me to make money by using my talents, I will keep painting. It only seems right, after all. I have been told that my paintings bless people. I will not let what the world considers success to keep me from doing so. I just enjoy it too much.

How to change a heart

I had a dream last night. I don't remember quite the details about it, except that I was homeless.
I was sleeping on the ground, outside of a business, (possibly a starbucks) clothed in a dirty jacket. I remember pulling my arms tight around my body, because it was so blasted cold out.
In front of me, I had a little purple water bag (something that I actually use in real life to paint with.) and people were shoving money in it. Tons of people walked by, and they all would reach down and shove $1, $5, and even $10 bills in the bag. I remember peeling back my eyelids to peek at the bag. It was overflowing.
I briefly recall waking up and beginning to count the money. I had wool gloves with the fingers cut out, and I remember the bitter cold air accosting my senses as I counted my cash.
Then I woke. I think it was because my roommate's alarm clock went off, (because it's SO LOUD I can hear it from her room, even with her door shut) but instantly tear began to well up in my eyes.
I don't know what it was, but when I woke up, I had overwhelming feelings of sadness. Maybe it was because I knew that the dream wasn't true. How many of us would shove bills into a homeless man's cup? They hardly ever have money overflowing in their cups. Maybe it was the sensation of knowing that if I didn't make enough money that day I would go hungry. Or knowing I'd have to sleep on the ground again, in the cold.
I can tell you, for a few waking moments in the night, I was homeless. I was terrified. I completely believed that I was one of the forgotten ones, and I remember thinking, "what happened? Where did I go wrong?"
Wiping the tears from my eyes when I woke, I realized it was a call to empathy. For many years, I've prayed to God about giving me compassion, filing me with empathy for those people who are hurting, because I knew I didn't have any.
I believe, last night, God answered those prayers. I knew what it was to be homeless, hungry. Dirty. Forgotten.
Yes, it was just a dream, you might say. I woke up today in a warm bed with money in my bank account. I even went to Starbucks this morning. But I felt the terror of wondering if my belly would stay empty.
We often ask ourselves, (or at least I do,) about how God might go about changing a person's heart. I used to doubt that He would do it instantaneously, and if He did, I wondered what that might be like. If I prayed for Him to change my heart, would He IMMEDIATELY reach down and grasp my being and twist it to His will? What would that feel like?
Well, now I know. God knows how to change a heart. Be careful what you pray for.

A Love not forgotten

"Yet I hold this against you: you have forsaken your first Love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent, and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place." Revelation 2:4-5

How far I had fallen.

I knew it too, because I just couldn't get into reading the Bible anymore. Nor could I pray to God at length, because I had simply run out of things to say. I remembered what it was like when I first had surrendered my life to God. It was a glorious feeling, even when those kids in my 8^th grade journalism class made fun of me when I told them I had become a Christian. They laughed so hard and my heart broke inside. My parents, even, became very upset with my Aunt, because they felt like my Aunt had somehow "collected" me into her cult, that being the Cult of the Nazarine.

I really didn't care. I remember feeling alive, and passionate about what I had chosen to believe in. I would read my Bible every night and pray for what felt like hours.

And now, I struggle to remember that passion. Jesus' Love had been so forgiving, so complete, so new that I felt like my heart had been thrown into the darkest of thunderstorms only to be juggled by a constant flow of lightning. It was glorious. It was hard, and it hurt, but it was glorious.

I haven't been this excited in a long time. Nothing has made me this eager in so many years. I've taken many trips, been to many different places on missions, and even left my heart in one. Yet there is something about this trip, the World Race, that has electrified my soul to the point of feeling like the edges of my being have been singed from getting too close to the fire. I continually pray to God for wisdom and favor. The moment I feel as if I have nothing to do, my mind remembers my bible instead of the TV remote. I hear about amazing things happening around the world, like my Church's mission trip to Columbia, where people are being HEALED and DELIVERED from demonic forces, and I so eagerly want to experience that for myself.

I've even wanted to fast. Wanted to fast. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love food. I've NEVER wanted to fast in my ENTIRE life. And now it is something I want to partake in, almost like new hobby. "Oh you like to knit? Well I like to fast in my spare time." Who does that?? To be perfectly honest, I have yet to do so… but I know it is only a matter of time.

I hope this isn't a fad. I hope and pray that I have remembered my first Love. . . one that I know will never return empty. I hope that this fire has been replenished with heavy logs of oak rather than a quick douse of gasoline.

What does a lampstand do, anyway? It burns and gives off light. If our lights die out, why should we expect God to keep us where we are when we are doing no good to Him? If we are not illuminating the darkness, then we have merely become a part of it. Darkness consumes everything unless a light is manifest. Then the darkness must flee because it cannot overcome the light. It's simple Physics people.

So with that, I encourage you. . .find the romance again. If you're feeling like the Love has run out of your relationship with God. Rekindle that flame. I don't know how to do that for you, it's something you're going to have to figure out on your own. But find the excitement again. Then never let it leave.