Well I've probably already told you where I'm going. . . I'm going to Ireland, Israel, Egypt, Ukraine. . .
Oh wait, That's not what you meant.
It has only been about two months since I've started this "World Race" thing. . .and already the doubts are setting in. The worst part, I don't even think they're my doubts. It started with a conversation last night with the Youth Pastor at my church. Basically, he asked me where I'm going with this whole "World Race" trip. He has a legitimate claim to ask those things, too, because he's the pastor that oversees the missions funds at my church. I am guessing, he had to ask me those hard questions to ensure my church wouldn't be "wasting God's Money" (not his words, mine) if they decided to support me on the Race. Then it ended with a conversation with one of my roommates, when she said, "To be honest, I think you're going on this trip for yourself. I am certain that God will use it to change your life though."
So why can't I get past the whole, "You're wasting money, you're doing this for yourself part?"
I was perfectly fine when no one questioned me. I had no doubts. And now, when confronted by people I hold in high regard, I am suddenly asking questions of myself.
Such as, "Is this a responsible use of my donor's money? Is this a responsible use of MY money? Am I going on this trip because I just want a 'vacation'? Am I going on this trip because I have NO IDEA WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE and so I'll just put the future off for a little bit while I think about it? Am I really just doing this for ME, and not for God? I've already admitted that I didn't pray about this decision when I filled out the application, so will I be reaping the benefits of what I sow by not listening to God's will? What are the chances that I will look back on month 11 and say, 'What a complete waste of a year'?"
And other questions like that. They are swirling around in my mind like a tempest, slowly growing louder, threatening to drown out all the confidence I had in myself to live up to God's potential. Maybe I should just quit now, while I, (and my potential donors) still have money in their pockets during this economic recession.
After all this happened, I was driving to Boynton to help a friend bake cookies so she can raise money for HER mission trip. I believe in her. I wondered if anyone would do the same thing for me. I wondered if anyone would believe in me.
Then a song came on the radio. It's a song that I've already claimed as my "World Race" theme song. Here are the lyrics:
Lord I want to feel your heart
and see the world through your eyes
I want to be your hands and feet
I want to live a life that leads
ready yourselves
ready yourselves
Let us shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night
ready yourselves
ready yourselves
May the powers of darkness tremble as our praises rise
Until the whole world hears Lord we are calling out
Lifting up Your name for all to hear the sound
Like voices in the wilderness we're crying out
as the day draws near
we'll sing until the whole world hears
Lord let your sleeping giant arise
Catch the demons by surprise
Holy nation sanctified
Let this be our battle cry
we'll sing until the whole world hears
we'll sing until the whole world hears
Want to be your hands and feet
Want to be a life that leads
To see you set the captive free
Until the whole world hears
and I pray that they will see more of you and less of me
Lord I want my life to be the song You sing
Until the whole world hears Lord we are calling out
Lifting your name up for all to hear the sound
Like voices in the wilderness we're crying out
as the day draws near
we'll sing until the whole world hears
we'll sing until the whole world hears
we'll sing until the whole world hears
we'll sing until the whole world hears
we'll sing until the whole world hears
we'll sing until the whole world hears
During that song, tears streamed down my face, yet they were not tears of defeat. They were tears of empowerment. Who cares if people doubt me? Who am I to I doubt myself? There is a world out there that doesn't know You, that doesn't understand how love can somehow overcome pain and poverty. There is a world who is dying to hear some good news. DYING.
Who believes in me? God believes in me. I don't know how, I don't know why. He is where my confidence lies. He is bigger than money or doubt, recessions or fear. He is bigger than me. He's bigger than my roommate. He's bigger than my youth pastor.
And He is with me.
I will fight this thing out, and even if it turns out that this was not His will for me at this time in my life, for much like Jacob in the desert, I will know that I have wrestled men with God, and I will overcome, because I'm not about to let Him go until he blesses me.
No comments:
Post a Comment