Monday, November 2, 2009

How to change a heart

I had a dream last night. I don't remember quite the details about it, except that I was homeless.
I was sleeping on the ground, outside of a business, (possibly a starbucks) clothed in a dirty jacket. I remember pulling my arms tight around my body, because it was so blasted cold out.
In front of me, I had a little purple water bag (something that I actually use in real life to paint with.) and people were shoving money in it. Tons of people walked by, and they all would reach down and shove $1, $5, and even $10 bills in the bag. I remember peeling back my eyelids to peek at the bag. It was overflowing.
I briefly recall waking up and beginning to count the money. I had wool gloves with the fingers cut out, and I remember the bitter cold air accosting my senses as I counted my cash.
Then I woke. I think it was because my roommate's alarm clock went off, (because it's SO LOUD I can hear it from her room, even with her door shut) but instantly tear began to well up in my eyes.
I don't know what it was, but when I woke up, I had overwhelming feelings of sadness. Maybe it was because I knew that the dream wasn't true. How many of us would shove bills into a homeless man's cup? They hardly ever have money overflowing in their cups. Maybe it was the sensation of knowing that if I didn't make enough money that day I would go hungry. Or knowing I'd have to sleep on the ground again, in the cold.
I can tell you, for a few waking moments in the night, I was homeless. I was terrified. I completely believed that I was one of the forgotten ones, and I remember thinking, "what happened? Where did I go wrong?"
Wiping the tears from my eyes when I woke, I realized it was a call to empathy. For many years, I've prayed to God about giving me compassion, filing me with empathy for those people who are hurting, because I knew I didn't have any.
I believe, last night, God answered those prayers. I knew what it was to be homeless, hungry. Dirty. Forgotten.
Yes, it was just a dream, you might say. I woke up today in a warm bed with money in my bank account. I even went to Starbucks this morning. But I felt the terror of wondering if my belly would stay empty.
We often ask ourselves, (or at least I do,) about how God might go about changing a person's heart. I used to doubt that He would do it instantaneously, and if He did, I wondered what that might be like. If I prayed for Him to change my heart, would He IMMEDIATELY reach down and grasp my being and twist it to His will? What would that feel like?
Well, now I know. God knows how to change a heart. Be careful what you pray for.

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