Tears of the Saints

I hate to see people cry...
I guess more specifically, I hate to see my friends cry. Especially when there is nothing I can seemingly do about it.
There you go, there is my "rescue complex" kicking in. Why have I been programmed to desire to rescue people, when in reality it's not my job. Only Jesus can rescue, and has rescued...
I just feel so helpless.
Maybe that's a good thing... maybe it's good to be helpless sometimes. If nothing, it reminds me that the glory is not for myself, it is for God alone. Yet when his saints cry, I desire so badly to want to help, and I can't. Partially because I am inept, but mostly because it is not my place, at least, at the moment.
So I sit here, in my room while my friend discusses her problems with another friend of mine. I'm angry that I'm not included, but only because of my uselessness, not because of jealousy or anything else like that.
The time is not mine. I really doubt if it ever is...

Love Without Pre-conditions

I've found out recently, that you can't make people love you.
Doesn't matter how hard you try, it doesn't matter what you do or DON'T do. It is irrelevant how pretty you look, or how smart you are, (or think you are) or how dumb you pretend to be to make your friends laugh. There is nothing you can do to cause them (or anyone else for that matter) to Love you.
Which sucks, really. How many hours of our lives are spent wasted on the pursuit of unrequited love? How many flowers do we buy, how many chocolates do we consume, how many empty words are spoken? How long do we spend in the gym or how often do we throw up our lunch to catch the eye of someone who isn't looking? How nice are we? How many relentless hours of sleep go un-slept because we are busy thinking of ways to cause more love to float our way? How many plans go awry or phone calls go unanswered, when we are simply trying to grab the attention of a friend who doesn't notice? More importantly, how many other people feel the same way?
It just comes down to choice really. I've found, that "Love" (like patience or boredom,) is a CHOICE.
That's right. It's ridiculous to attempt to earn love, because when all is said and done, NOTHING you do can EVER cause someone to Love you. All your work, planning, effort, money, amounts to pretty much nothing.
Why?
Simply because regardless of what we do, that object of our affection, is the one who has to make the choice whether or not they want to love us.
I suppose, the beauty in this, is that when that other person actually DOES choose to Love us, then there isn't anything we can do to change their minds. Love has nothing to do about our decisions, and everything to do with theirs.
Which of course, reminds me of the Love God and Christ has for us, that in where we were still sinners, rebellious enemies of God, He still sent His son, Jesus to die for us. In the garden, Christ CHOSE to Love us, before we ever chose to love Him.
Why can't it be that easy for us humans? To love without Pre-Conditions? How many times have I let my heart be broken, trying to earn people's love, when it really just comes down to whether or not they really want to love me?
Am I trying to earn my salvation that way?
So, I guess, if there is anything to be said about Love, is this, If I tell you I love you, I mean it.
Whether or not you want to love me back, it's your choice.

Kirsten and a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

So, what is it about bad days?
Every now and then they sneak up on you, and pounce, latching onto your back like a wild tomcat in heat with six pairs of legs.
Seriously.
I just paid $60 for a wireless adapter, that oh yeah, decides not to work.
Not that it matters, because every time the phone rings the DSL shuts down. What?
FINE! I'll go MOW THE LAWN. That will make me feel better.
An hour and a half of weeding and only the FRONT part of the lawn done, I've managed to kill a snake and a rat (fantastic) without even meaning to.
Oh yeah, and I lost an earring. Not a big deal. I'll go look for the GREEN ACRYLIC earring in the FRESHLY MOWED GREEN GRASS.
So I didn't find it.
Hot and sweaty and ravenously hungry...I'd really like to jump in the pool, but it's covered in a think filmy layer of fire ants.
Oh yeah! Didn't you know that ANTS DON'T DROWN? (at least, not very easily.)
So I eat lunch that doesn't put a DENT in my hunger. I feel like I'm eating ALL THE TIME.
CRAP! It's 1:43pm, and I need to deposit this check BEFORE 2:00pm to avoid my account from being overdrawn.
*takes shower, rushes out door.*
*waits in line FOREVER at bank... even though there wasn't ANYONE in front of me*
*goes to rita's to hopefully get a pick me up.*
Wait, where's my $10 bill? I could of sworn it was in my wallet!
ARRGH.
Doesn't matter, they didn't have the flavor I wanted today anyway.
Get home.
Get online to check my email, to see if I'm going to be paid for some art.
The Phone rings.
*sigh.*

"I might have to ask you to leave"

Which, of course, is perfectly legit. I was causing a commotion, and my youth pastor (who I work with) was already having a poor night. I could tell by the way he ripped one of the kid's heads off (figuratively) when the kid did something foolish.

I traded this in for $90. I could have gone to a "political group discussion" and made $90 cash. (Which, by the way, my account will be overdrawn without.)

Regardless.. as we pondered over 2 Timothy 1 & 2, and we talked about Leadership being a thankless job, (duh)... I found myself thinking, once again, that I can't.

I keep telling God I can't do all of this. He keeps telling me that I can do all things through Him.
I wonder if it's hormones, finding myself crying and blithering like a baby who hasn't had their diaper changed within five minutes of wetting myself.

I just had a long, deep conversation with someone about depression, and strangely enough, I find that I feel depressed.
Is that a coincidence? Or am I simply giving Satan a foothold by telling God "I can't."
There is a bunch of things I can't do right now.
1. I can't pay my bills.
2. I can't encourage my friends without being sarcastic.
3. I can't talk to God without crying.
4. I can't go to Rita's (They close at 9:00pm, and I arrived at 8:58pm... and I can't do that to them.)
5. I can't think of a fifth thing.

Yet He tells me I can. I can I can I can do ALL things through CHRIST who strengthens me.
How does He strengthen me? I have yet to understand that. Where am I weak? I'd be inclined to say EVERYWHERE.
I'm so tired of it.. I don't know how to not be tired. I ask for strength, and I expect some supernatural Hulk Moment, where I suddenly feel strong enough to take on the world.. but that never really seems to happen.
So I'll just sit here and cry and blather some more. Maybe if God sees fit to pick me up and wash me and change me... I'll feel better.
Not that it's important to FEEL anything. I just wish my emotions were easier to ignore.

Neither is Right or Wrong

I had an email conversation with one of my roommates the other day. The conversation wasn't long, or too drawn out, (by my standards, though I do tend to ramble) but at the conclusion something had been made painfully, bluntly obvious to me. Though I might desire to be more like someone, I have absolutely NO right to attempt to force them to become more like me.
I've dwelt upon this conclusion, along with the words, "I have nothing but absolute contempt for your assumptions," for a little less than a week now, and I ponder, why God chose to make me this way.
There is a certain level of accusation I can put upon God, because I feel like there are times that people use the phrase, "God made me this way" as a cop-out to attempt to justify their character flaws. For sure, if God really made you "this way," then one should be able to accept, and not only accept, but defend the "way" they are made. However, when we use those words as a crutch to attempt to huddle along in our flawed selves, then we are committing ourselves to sin more, and we use the phrase "God made me this way" to justify our sin.
So when I wonder why God made me this way, I am referring to the deep need I have to want to rescue people. To use my roommate's example, if someone were to take a child out into the middle of the lake, and throw him in, without a life preserver, what would my initial reaction be? I would be inclined to jump in and attempt to save the child, whereas my roommate would sit on the shoreline and watch, waiting to see if the child could figure out how to swim on his own.
I used to think that would be an absurd thing, how could you do that to a child? I could only imagine what it would feel like, flailing about in water too deep for my feet to touch the bottom, while my friend sat there on the shore, and in my mind, I feel like I can see a hint of a smile on their face, while I'm swallowing dirty water, trying to figure out how to make my heavier than lead arms keep my head above water.
Why does this scenario hurt so much? How can you do this to a child?
Indeed, how can you do this to me?
And I think that's the point.
I can see the logical and intelligent position of letting someone "figure it out on their own". I truly can accept that.
I guess I just wish that I had someone who would have jumped in after me. Maybe that's why I want to rescue people so badly, because I don't want anyone to have to go through the pain I went (and am still going) through.
So when it comes down to it, I can see and understand that neither scenario is right or wrong. Though the child in the water may have wanted someone to jump in and rescue them, one can beg to ask the question, would they ever figure out how to swim if someone is always pulling them out of the water? Or, could we ask the question, who cares if I know how to swim as long as I'll have you there to help me?
Which is right? Which is wrong? I don't think there is an answer to that universally. All I know is, which answer is right for me?
And that, I do know the answer to.

Who is RandomK

So I've decided to re-vamp this blog... it seems that everyone has a blog nowadays, even my emotionless, unobservant roommate has one.
I don't really know what to expect from writing anymore. It has seemed to become more of a chore than anything else... but there are times I feel like it's just so hard to tell people what I'm feeling WITHOUT writing it down.
So much has changed in the last couple of years. I see God moving, and it frightens and terrifies me. I don't feel like I'm up to the challenge...
but I suppose neither did Moses.
I don't even suppose anyone will read this, really... but maybe if someone does, they will find some kind of insight into who I am.
If that's what any of this is about, anyway. I have asked for my small group to pray that I seek less of the glory so that I may give glory to whom it is due, that being Jesus, but I still wonder about me.
Who am I, really?
What has God made me to be?
When am I ever going to feel healthy?
Where am I supposed to go?
How am I going to fulfill my purpose?
Why do I always have so many questions?
Why? it always why...

I wonder if we'll ever find out.