A prayer of mourning

LORD
Let me die tonight
take my life tonight
I'm so tired of this sadness
and I just don't feel alright

I'm not fooled by this world anymore
There is no love here anymore
I'm so tired of being forgotten
my heart is so raw and sore

You have forgotten me
You followers they hate me
I'm limping through this life
Did You ever make me free?

So let me close my eyes forever
so I can live forever
and feel real Love for once
and be with You forever

yet
Should I open my eyes in the morning
I will open them with mourning
knowing another day will pass
another day spent running

For to die is gain
and to live is pain
but I will believe the Truth
that all this suffering is not in vain.

Collateral Damage

Please read 1 Samuel 24 for a little bit of background... it may make no sense to you, but if that's the case, then the following poem doesn't apply to you anyway.

Wrestling again
this war of mine
takes no prisoners
nor does it sides

Friend or foe?
I cannot tell
as flesh and spirit
rage inside

My words cut deeper
than any blade
it would have been better if they had stayed
scraping the edges of my brain

This is a war I cannot win
for I am the enemy
and also the friend

when the lines are blurred
I can no longer tell
the allies of heaven
apart from my hell

Collateral damage
in the end
as I toast my foe
and kill a friend

Blood and black
are so bittersweet
as I win a battle and cry in defeat

I'm so sorry
but in the end,
I can't even promise
I won't do it again.


This one was written for you. Exactly who you think you are. It's unfinished, because I hope to add some hope.

What kind of Christ are you?

You're so stupid.
You sit there on your polished couch and judge the world. Yet you're so blind to the pain you cause that you call your works good.
I'd blame it on your youth but we both know that you pride yourself in your maturity. Deep as a pond of water, you speak of a Christ you do not know, or at least, do not know well. You claim to care but refuse to listen. You pretend to love, but you cannot see.
The pain inside you is killing your love. And you call it relying on God.
I call it a joke.
So sit there, using a shiny laptop as a shield from real conversation. Go ahead and love the ones that are easy to love, and ignore the ones who are dying inside. By all means, call yourself a good person and lie to me once again. Pretend to be smarter than you really are and call me stupid.
Get angry at me because I need help. But don't you dare give me any.
Sink your venom into my flesh, because it makes you feel better about yourself. I've been bitten before, so I must be able to take it. Make excuses that my blood runs watered down with poison. It tastes like honey when you lick your lips, but it burns like lava when it melts your soul.
Run away and rescue the needy in a foreign land, but forget the mission at home. Skim along the edges of the perfect ones, but don't reach out to the dirty handed. If you get to close, your heart will be consumed. If you get to close, you might find it hurts to love. It's so much easier to love the perfect. I understand that. I wish I didn't love you too.
All along, the Christ inside calls out, "Why do you hate me when all I do is love you?"
And I ask, what kind of Christ are you?
I wish I didn't crave your attention so much. It would make this so much easier.

Be my heart tonight

Oh my God,
Please be my heart tonight.
I am broken and poured out before you.
Your cup is so bitter, like fire
but I know it is melting my heart within me.
The cold granite soul within me is dying.
I need you be my life.
The people who surround me,
are they friends or enemies? I cannot tell.
They love me and hate me one in the same,
tearing my flesh to pieces.
They don't even know,
they don't even know how their ragged tongues lash so fierce.
Not that they care if they did.
Where did I go astray?
What life is this for your child?
So abandoned and alone,
cursing the day of their birth,
wondering what purpose there is in this pain.
So be my heart tonight, oh Lord.
You have shut the mouths of the prideful,
crushed the heads of the oppressive,
and shamed the intelligence of the wise.
And for these things, I praise You.
Now please, if You are willing,
be my heart tonight, for I have not one of my own.
I have given it away to so many loves,
and not one has returned in kind.
Forgive me for being a foolish lover,
for now I have nothing to give You.
So You, my God, will have to be my heart,
if You require a heart to follow you.
Or I will remain like dry bones,
lifeless save for the tears.
I fear that I cannot sleep in hopes of the dawn.
If I survive the night without You,
will You still love me in the morning?
The devil says You won't.
Why is it so easy to listen to lies?
So please, be my heart tonight my Lord,
For I want to love again,
but I cannot right now.
You will have to beat for me,
or my death will surely follow.
Maybe when I awake, I will feel again.

Wounds

I just don't know what else to do.
The hardest part about being hurt, is healing. Being hurt only takes a moment. It's the healing that takes forever.
Unfortunately, if you're living with a wound that keeps getting re-injured, it never truly heals correctly. The pain continues.
If the wound isn't treated properly, then when it finally does heal, there is usually scar tissue that causes pain because it's not supposed to be there. Eventually the body becomes so used to the pain, that it figures the pain is normal, and so the body stops trying to heal itself.
To heal a wound like that, it usually requires more drastic measures.
When I was younger, I had planter fasciitis (a rip in the tendon in the bottom of my foot)and lived with constant pain. Eventually I went to the doctor, and they used different methods to treat me.
First they used cortisone shots. Those were painful.
Then Physical Therapy... which is also painful.
When none of that worked, they recommended an experimental procedure that used high energy sound waves to cause MORE rips in the tendons and muscle.. in hopes that the damage would kick the body's immune system into healing itself again. (yup. Very painful.)
If that didn't work, they would do surgery.. which you guessed it, would lead to more pain. (at least I think so. I couldn't imagine someone cutting me open and sewing me back up NOT being a little uncomfortable.)
The experimental procedure worked, thank God. I knew a friend who had the same thing I did, and she had surgery.. and it took her FOREVER to be pain free.
I guess.. the point in all of this is to try to describe what I'm feeling, or going through.
I think that our emotions, our heart, are like that sometimes. Sometimes we are so hurt, that we get used to the pain, and when we are faced with it being taken away, we freak out because this is all we have ever known.
I'm so torn, between wanting to get better. But I don't know what it would be like to live without that pain.. and the worst part is, I know that it has to get worse before I get better. I've been doing so well..surviving. But am I called to more? Am I called to be healed?
Or must I live with this thorn in my spirit? Which sometimes I think is so much more painful than a thorn in my flesh.
Is God willing to heal me? I guess more importantly, do I want to be healed?
I say I do, but I don't know what that entails. I don't know what I have to do to get "better." Is death going to be the only true healing for me? When I am made whole with my Jesus?
I know I'm not alone. I know there are so many people out there in pain, and they choose to hide it instead of face it. They lie to themselves, but they can't lie to God. Messy stitches on gaping wounds will only have to be ripped apart to be fixed again. I know I'm not alone. But I feel so lonely. Would we feel less lonely if we chose to bear one another's burdens as we are called to do? Why do we have to put band aids on our pain and pretend "it's just a scratch" when it needs serious attention?
How long will we bleed until someone notices?
How long will I?