The cost usefulness.

I think I only write blogs when I'm angry or depressed. I apologize for that. Maybe one day I'll write something when everything is ok. Who knows.

Anyway, back to the rant.

So I've discovered that I've become awfully comfortable with being used. I wonder if this is something that I've always done, and only recently become aware of it, or if this is a pattern of behavior that I find myself falling into.

Unfortunately, I think that this is something that I almost do on purpose. I find that I'm usually ok with being used, because well, I like to feel useful. I think all humans like to feel useful. If we don't then we feel the opposite, which is useless, and that usually leads to a feeling of, "what's the point?"
If we aren't useful, then there is no purpose, no reason for our being. I believe that this is why some people may kill themselves, because they feel like their is no longer a purpose to their life, so why go on living?

The extreme opposite of this, of course, is being walked on by everyone. Being a people-pleaser to everyone you come into contact with, because you so desire that need to feel useful that you will go to any extreme to be used.

I have lived a good portion of my life teetering between these two extremes. I've gone from feeling used to feeling useless.

I really wish there was a balance. I suppose there is, because you can't have a seesaw without a fulcrum, a point of balance. Where is the proper point that we must exist in to keep two sides of the scale balanced? I suppose if I knew that, I could write a book.

And therein lies the problem. I suppose I like feeling useful, to a point. Then one day, I help someone just one too many times, and they ask for something else, and I feel used. I guess I just wonder, why all of a sudden I go from being useful to used? Where is the breaking point? The point where the seesaw suddenly teeters to the other side, with so much force that it can't be stopped?

And, is that ok? Is it ok to be used like that? If it is, why is it that I am ok with it? And why is it one day I'm suddenly not?

Anyway, this is my dilemma. And when you throw God into the mix, it's even worse.
Jesus was the epitome of being useful. People asked him for things all the time. They cried and clamored and wept, and He just kept on letting them use Him.
They used Him until He was all used up.
This is my example? This is how I'm supposed to live my life? Used until I die?
I guess that is ok. If that is how this must be, then so be it. If God wants me to be useful until I die, then fine.
But why can't He make me ok with it?

And is that fair? Is it fair for people to use other people? Especially people they say they "love", people they call their "family"?

Maybe the truth of all of this, is that I am just upset that I'm more useful to people that they are to me. I just get mad when people use me, when in reality, I just wish they would let me use them more often. This is the condition of the human race. We are so concerned about being useful, only because in the end, we hope that the other person will return the favor, and when they don't, we feel used instead of feeling useful. How utterly disappointing.